As a parent, don’t we always wonder if we’re doing the right
thing or doing things right for our children. It’s not difficult to see why many
parents would feel this way, including myself at times. In this current social
and education landscape, there have been shifts in perspectives on how child upbringing
could have been carried out, as compared to the times of our parents and
grandparents. I’m sure you would have moments when you begin to doubt your own
parenting ability – ‘Am I doing the right thing here?’, ‘Why is this method not
working with my kid?’, ‘Am I doing something wrong?’ and so forth. The truth is that, times have changed. And
so has the social landscape our children are brought up in. With changes our
children are experiencing in their world, so should our parenting journey be
too.
Progressing into the 21st century, parents will
experience a shift in our parenting roles. In the past, parents would be viewed
as an authority figure with the power to enforce rules and who possess insurmountable knowledge in the ways of the world. But, is this still true?
When I ask parents who attend my workshops, many are of the opinion that they would like to continue
seeing themselves to be an inspiring and influencing figure in their child’s
life.
If that is so, how then can we do it in the most effective
way? The scenario of the world may have changed but our parenting fundamentals
remain the same. In my work as a parenting coach and trainer, I’ve discussed
and shared these fundamentals with many parents as the 4 simple, do-able basics
to a fulfilling parenting journey. Just as we would like to provide our
children with a happy and positive LIFE, just remember that we can have this
same L.I.F.E. in creating a happy and positive influence in our child’s daily
experiences.
(1) Live purposefully
By guiding our child to have a purpose in life, we are helping him create
hope in his life. Hope is essential in leading a life that is full of
positivity and optimism. A child who knows what he wants in life will stay
focused on the path that will lead him to that goal he has envision so often in
his mind. He is hardly kept off-track and will disregard any distractions that
may come his way and one that will stop him from achieving that goal in life.
When our child is able to do that, we can rest assured that he will think and
act ahead to achieve that purpose. In other words, he begins to take control of
his life. As parents, what can we do? Simply encourage our child to move in
that direction.
We can start by asking what his dreams are. Help our child translate
those big dreams into small, achievable goals – something that looks realistic
to the child and one that he can act on. At times, his dreams may sound odd or
strange to us. But never laugh at them or belittle those dreams because they
are REAL to our child. It also means, at times, that our child may not be able
to verbalise his dreams or express them in words that he knows how to.
When my son was much younger, his dream was to be a Power Ranger. Then as
he grew older, he dreamed of being a Spiderman. His dreams changed so often, in
fact on a yearly basis, that my husband and I would just play along with it.
One day, he settled on something that did not come out of comic books – a
firefighter, and finally, a policeman. What he wanted to become might appear
flighty to some, but as I ponder over it, one common theme began to emerge –
all his dream ‘occupations’ involved heroes that spend their life helping
others. A noble dream, indeed, I thought. So, you see, a dream that a child has
usually serves as an inkling to what he holds important in life. Six years on,
I can see that my son is truly living that dream – he’s generous, helpful and
thoughtful in his interaction with others around him.
So, having a purpose in life is important. When a child has an idea of
his purpose in life, he begins to harbour hope of his dreams and acknowledges
his importance in the bigger scheme of things. By doing so, he will eventually
learn how to establish priorities in his life – the ‘needs versus wants’ and
‘important matter versus urgent stuff’.
(2) Inspire child with our experiences
Who doesn’t like a good story? I can clearly remember my children’s beaming
faces when I shared the successes and good times I had, or their sympathetic
looks when I talked about the pitfalls I’ve made in my life. Sharing our life
experiences marks a new beginning for our child. The good, bad, pleasant or
unpleasant experiences that we’ve gone through give a signal to our child that
light appears at the end of every dark tunnel. Many of us would agree that our
life experiences have moulded and shaped us into being who we are today and
what we represent now. It gives our child the answers to the questions he may
have about his own world right now. It tells our child that we can always learn
from our mistakes and that every failure or challenges we face are
opportunities for us to improve ourselves and become a better person than who
we already are.
The mistakes we’ve made in our past and the positive journey we’ve
experienced will impress upon our child that our life is always a work in
progress. Motivating our child need not necessarily be done through words. He
may be more inspired to face life with much zest and enthusiasm through the
actions, words and values he sees his parents embody. It teaches him the value
of resilience - of how one can thrive in the face of adversity.
Sharing our stories gives us the chance to bond and create a deeper
emotional connection with our child. Listening to our life experiences will
make our child feel closer to us. The feelings and emotions evoked from our
stories will encourage our child to learn the values of empathy. Stories are definitely
powerful tools of inculcating positive values in a child’s growing up years. My husband and I have made it a ritual in our
family to share our stories during dinnertime. We swap moving stories and turn our
bad life experiences into a humorous scenario. Our intention is not to make
light of them but simply to let our children know that having a good sense of
humour during challenging times help us deal with these serious issues in the
most effective way. And that makes us resilient human beings.
(3) Feelings are acknowledged
My husband and I used to be amused at how different our children had
turned out to be, contrary to popular gender-based belief with regards to
emotions. Our daughter appears gentle but is as tough as leather. She does not
waver easily, and bounces back from difficulty with ease. Our son, on the other
hand, looks tough but is the epitome of the sensitive new-age guy. He tears
easily and will not think twice of shedding a few tears here and there, which
he has done very often in his eleven years of living. Both children react
differently too. While our son may feel hurt in a situation, our daughter may simply
feel annoyed by that very same situation. How do we deal with such varied
emotional reactions, you may ask.
Well, I’ve always believed that as parents, we are providers of
‘emotional vitamin’ to our child. In other words, we supply our child’s
emotional self with validation, affirmation and love that our child needs. Accepting
them for who they are is the first thing we can do. How to? Simply accept their
feelings and do not deny them the space to express those feelings. Simply put,
a child that feels loved and acknowledged is a happier and motivated child. But,
some parents I spoke to feel that it is not easy to accept those feelings when
our child acts out of anger, when fear overwhelms him or when sadness overcomes
him to the point of being unable to function properly. What could we have done,
asked these parents.
Well, they are not alone. Some questions that many parents have been asking
me: How can I do this? Can emotional wisdom be taught? How can I provide the
‘emotional supplements’ to my child?
We can do so by first allowing our child to freely express unpleasant
emotions he may be feeling at a certain point of time. Giving our disapproval
of fear and anger may force the child to repress his feelings and make him feel
trapped. This can manifest itself in the form of emotional tantrums, outburst
or aggression as the child tries looking for another way out in expressing the
unpleasant emotions. Our acceptance helps our child to understand that emotions
is universal and manageable. By accepting his own emotions, he will be able to
resolve his own feelings and learn to regulate his own emotions in a more
positive way.
Be a good listener and interpret our child’s feelings. We can do so by
hearing him out (which can be reassuring to our child) and asking appropriate
questions to gather more information from him. Make our child feel comfortable
by reciprocating his feelings. We can let our child know that it is not wrong
to be afraid nor scared, but that it can be overcome. Perhaps, at this point,
we can share some steps we have successfully tried out in our life. A parent I
know taught her son to count to five whenever he feels anger creeping in.
Another parent asks his child to drink some water first to soothe himself and
dissipate his anger.
Of course, as parents, we need to be a model of emotional wisdom
ourselves. We want our child to regulate his own emotions, then it has to begin
with us. Our child observes our reaction to a situation. Our reactions can
either calm or inflame a situation. Kids learn emotional regulation from us –
what they see us do is what they will do too – so stay calm and see our child’s
perspectives as we set limits.
(4) Empowerment through family values
There is a saying, “Family is
like branches on a tree. We all grow in different directions yet our roots
remain as one.” Members in a family may embody different personalities,
different ideals, different social experiences and different map of the world,
yet they are drawn together by one common factor – Family Values.
Family values are the glue that
binds all parts of the family machinery together, the anchor that prevents the family
from drifting aimlessly and the compass that directs a family towards its
family vision. Strong family values create family identity. What do we mean by
‘family identity’? It is the identity that shapes a family which is derived
from the family’s culture and tradition. This can be created by having family
time which is scheduled on a weekly basis. This not only instil openness and
trust among family members but also creates close family ties.
We have to remember that values
are not taught but modelled through little actions that we, as parents, do on a
daily basis. Our child gets his first glimpses of values such as honesty,
respect, integrity, sincerity, by virtue of our actions. Inculcating positive
values needs to be relevant to the experiences of our child as this will be
more meaningful to our child. We can talk about character through stories and get
our child to make choices in situations. This will further enhance these
intrinsic values in our child’s lives on a regular basis. These ‘teachable’
moments come alive in our daily interactions with our child.
We can correct them, guide them,
teach them and advise them so that our child can learn the type of behaviour
that is expected at home. When we get our child to apply these values consistently,
frequently and regularly in his life, habitual actions are formed. These habits
will eventually shape our child’s character and determine a positive future for
him.
By practising these simple 4 basic fundamentals, we can help
develop a child who is happy, involved and positive. Remember, L.I.F.E. –
Live purposefully
Inspire child with our experiences
Feelings are acknowledged
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